The Rhesus Thesis * http://www.monkeybagel.com
V1.0              * Music: "Mezzanine", Massive Attack
******************* Beverage: Warm flat Surge

My life has become quite minimalist in the three weeks I've
been running Monkeybagel.com.  The time not spent working,
sleeping, or indulging my girlfriend in her elaborate Darth Maul
fantasies is dedicated to maintaining, updating, extending and
rubbing my nipples just thinking about the Monkeybagel
site.  Thanks for your letters, suggestions, demands and
indecent propositions.  One guy asked if he could name his
band Monkeybagel.  I said no. I did suggest alternatives:

Torquemonkey
Corksniffers
Danny McGlade and the Drop Trou Orchestra

He hasn't written back yet.  I really like the last one, though.
                                    *
I've written a new piece; it's called "Suck Factor".
It's only funny if you enjoy the image of white-collar workers
hyperventilating in piles of their own waste. Which I do.
                                    *
As you may have noticed, ad banners have come to Monkeybagel.com.  Sorry.
Their presence is necessary to pay for the prescription cough syrup that
provides my creative energies.  Feel free to use a length of electrical
tape to obscure the banners for the duration of your visit.
                                    *
Trevor Peace sent me the logo which now graces the pages and helps
make the damn ad banners look less dumb.
                                    *
Immediately following this newsletter will be a second e-mail containing
the original pottymouth Monkeybagel Document in a format suitable for 
retransmission or printing out and tacking to the wall of your happy 
place.

If you send it to 5 people within 24 hours...
	that weird rash will turn out to be a detergent allergy.

If you send it to 10 people...
	your dead goldfish, Tiberius, will be brought back to you!
	Note: He'll still be dead.

If you send it to 15 people...
	you'll be granted one of the following minor titles of nobility!
	Subduke of Galena, Illinois
	High Priestess of Frequent Urination
	Tucker High School sophomore class treasurer
	Associate Manager of Taco Bell #2381

If you send it to everyone in your addressbook...
	I will divine for you your Monkeybagel Name.  This one sounds
	kinda fun.   Maybe I'll do it either way.

                                    *

weird factlet: I've been selected as the Tech Sighting of the day by
Techsightings.com. They called me an "angst-ridden nerd" in their
review and said "Putting Underwear on the Dog" doesn't live up to
the title.  It's not supposed to be FUNNY!  It's an essay with 
humor, not a humorous essay!  Garg! No one understands my work! 
                                   ***

If you've received this newsletter but didn't request it, some evil 
friend of yours probably signed you up. Just reply and tell me to 
take you off the mailing list. 

Here ends The Rhesus Thesis V1.0
--
http://www.monkeybagel.com
Copyright 1999 Benjy Feen
What would you do with a forty-pound sack of catnip?



Rhesus Thesis v1.1

Dec 2, 1999


The Rhesus Thesis * http://www.monkeybagel.com
V1.1              * Music: "Random Violence", Skapone
******************* Beverage: Capsaicin Spritzer

Greetings, and welcome to the newest edition of The Rhesus Thesis!
Monkeybagel.com's been a bit light on the levity this week due to
the rioting associated with civil unrest in downtown Seattle.  For
those of you boring enough never to have borne witness to a riot,
let me assure you that it is not nearly so much fun as one would
guess based on the classic Spike Lee joint "Do the Right Thing"
(available, of course, from Amazon.com).  Of course, the trouble
in Seattle isn't about race. The issues are manifold:

1. The WTO Ministerial Convention is being protested for its policies,
   which some see as promoting international trade at the expense of human
   rights and the environment.
2. Anarchists, gangs, and bored kids are taking advantage of the
   chaos to wreak all manner of antisocial havoc: smashing windows,
   looting shops, scrawling graffiti, and buying Pokemon merchandise.
   IT'S JUST A CARTOON, PEOPLE! PUT DOWN THE PLUSH TOYS AND RETURN 
   TO YOUR HOMES!
3. The residents of downtown Seattle and Capitol Hill are caught in the
   middle, unable to leave their homes without risking arrest,
   harrassment, or assault at the hands of police, violent civilians,
   and Hare Krishnas in Birkenstocks trying to shove the Bhagavad-Gita
   down your pants. "Hi there, brother! How are you today?" *shove*
4. The Huskies TOTALLY blew their shot at the Rose Bowl.

As you can see, these issues are going to take some time to cool off.
But don't look so glum, chums -- in some ways, the riots have been a
blessing.  I've had the chance to slow down and catch up on the things
I never make time for: reading for pleasure, sorting laundry, reloading
hi-cap mags with .223 FMJ, et cetera. And the kitchen is spotless!

                                    *
         Quotes from Police Radio Communications During The Riots
                  http://www.monkeybagel.com/riots.html

* During the "Use Tear Gas to Push the Angry Mob up Pine Street 
* and Into Benjy's Front Yard" phase of the riot management process:

  "Looks like a bunch of kids are congregating around a burning dumpster."
  "WHICH burning dumpster?!"

* Heard at 12:30 AM:

Bossy cop: "You guys who've been on since this morning, you can head
home. Roll call is at 0900."

Weary cop who has just been dosed with his own pepper spray and hit in
the face by a flying beer bottle: "Yes sir. 0900 tomorrow."

B: "Oops, wait, I'm dreaming, ha ha. I mean 0600."
W: "Yes sir. 0900 it is."
B: "No no, I misspoke. Roll call will be at 0600."
W: "Ah, okay. Got it now. See you at 0900! *click*"

* Around 3:30 AM things started to slow down...

"Dispatch, I've got a vehicle parked illegally at 4th and Pine. It is a
black Honda Civic. The occupants are in the back with an open container
of alcohol. It's, ah, a couple of girls. Aah, they're, well, they're
making out."

New voice, instantly: "You'll need backup. I'm heading over." 

                                    *

That's it for this edition of The Rhesus Thesis; look for our Y2K edition,
to be published as soon as I'm done converting my net worth to diesel and
ammunition.

                                   ***

If you've received this newsletter but didn't request it, it was
probably somehow related to the WTO riots.  Just send a note to
dammit@monkeybagel.com with the subject 

unsubscribe [name] [credit card number/expiration date] [address]

In the body of the message include a list of the hours you're typically
away from home.
We'll cheerfully remove you from our mailing list.
Thus is ended The Rhesus Thesis V1.1
--
http://www.monkeybagel.com
Copyright 1999 Benjy Feen
How much does your nose weigh?