The text of is not set in 12 point Century Schoolbook. It's set in whatever font you want. You could render it in giant blinking mauve italic Marlett Bold Condensed. Please don't tell me if you do. does not require the use of any plug-ins. It was not created using Macromedia Director. It is devoid of Java. It was created with vi.

This site was optimized for nothing in particular. If anything, it's best viewed with lynx, but you could just telnet to port 80 and issue HTTP requests by hand if you want.

Terms and Conditions
I. This entire website (C) Copyright 2001 Benjy Feen. Monkeybagel(TM) is a trademark of Please don't steal my work. I'll do my best to give due credit to anyone whose suggestions I incorporate, but it's still my baby. If I sell the rights to the Monkeybagel plush toy, you don't get to sue me for your share. You don't even get a free plush toy.

II. If any of you weenies demand that I put Monkeybagel under the GPL, I'll put big scratches in your Matrix DVDs with a shrimp fork.

III. All trademarks are the property of their owners and are trademarks of whoever trademarked them and/or their respective owners, or both. Amen.

IV. Any resemblance of any character to any person living or dead is coincidental. Some freakazoid left a comment on Slashdot claiming to know "Beth" from Geek Fantasia. Look, she doesn't exist. I named her "Beth" after an old girlfriend. I gave her the body of a dancer I dated in college. Hey, Slashdot-comment guy, does the "Beth" you know have a strong background in SP/2 systems administration? I didn't think so.

V. No monkeys were harmed in the development of this website. Never never never never fold a monkey.

Change Log


01/18/2005 v4.4 Added Peep Protocol, written while working in India for a month and missing my girl Jp. (a different girl from the London girl; that ended a couple months after the entry below. My angst wasn't quite as absent as I'd thought.)
08/19/2001 v4.3 Added Evil Procurement Lemurs. Am living in Berkeley, working for a startup again, still seeing the London girl. I think I'm too short of angst to bother writing much. I wish I had an angst dispenser so I could have angst in single-shot quantities for creative labor inducement.
03/13/2001 Wow. I just read through the change log, and I see that I really haven't done much for over a year. I guess I've been a little distracted. Well, we'll see.
01/07/2001 v4.2 Hoo boy. Life's funny. I moved back to the SF Bay Area at the end of November.Anyway, I added the document Pumas on Hoverbikes; hope you like it.
10/06/2000 v4.1 Went back to London to see about a girl. Came back 3 weeks later; London isn't a place I want to be at this point in my life. Which is a shame, because the girl is amazing and wonderful.
8/15/2000 v4.0 Back from Europe (left for Europe on June 11, returned on August 6) That was fun.
5/30/2000 v3.99999finalgamma4 jwz bookmarked me. Neat.
5/10/2000 v3.99999finalgamma4 Made the main page horribly ugly. Coming soon: a nonblog. More later. Special note: Sleep is great stuff. I'd forgotten how nice sleep is. Mmmm, sleep.
5/5/2000 v3.9999final2 Yeah, still busy with work.
3/31/2000 v3.999final I'm really sorry about not having written anything in so long, folks, but I've been very, very, very busy. Oh, and I sold or ditched almost everything I own and moved to the San Francisco Bay Area. Details coming soon.
2/23/2000 v3.219 God DAMN I feel good. I haven't felt this good without chemical inducement since 1997. Something's coming. Something big. Dunno what. I think everybody better just keep their tray tables in their original upright positions, if you know what I'm saying. Holy crap, I feel good. Yow!
2/18/2000 v3.21 Changed "Octane" to "O2 Workstation" in Process Documentation as Theatre due to the fact that the O2 looks way more like a gumdrop than the Octane.
2/17/2000 v3.2 Added "Process Documentation as Theatre". Starting to get hits again.
Sorry, folks. I just don't feel funny right now.
Sent out Rhesus Thesis 1.2. Got first Rhesus Thesis unsubscribe request. Mental note: must be funnier.
Sorry about the entry dated 12/17. e-commerce can do that to a guy.
Day 26 of Retail Website Christmas Season. Our spirits are low and our numbers greatly reduced; this morning I lost my second-best sherpa and must now carry my own baggage. We have run completely out of tea. I fear the worst.
12/7/1999 v3.1 Got a mention by today. Not a particularly complimentary one, really, but I guess it's the duty of the Published Author to mock the up-and-comers so as to weed out the weak and surly.
12/3/1999 v3.0 Got rid of the damned ad banners. I'm getting mildly slashdotted right now because of the riots and my pages about them.
Rhesus Thesis v1.1 released.
12/1/1999 v2.5 Spent last night at my office rather than brave the wilds of Seattle. Wrote an essay about it, so I guess it was productive.
11/30/1999 v2.3 Been playing with the Culture pages some more. I'm just not quite happy with them yet. In other news, downtown Seattle is a fragging ZOO right now due to protesters trying to interfere with the World Trade Organization Ministerial. They're hosing the crowds down with pepper spray. Can I please go back to being bored soon?
Wow. 12 days and I haven't touched the site. Must be something in the change of seasons. I've started seeing lots of new sites in my referer logs: this well-spoken response to Origins.
Monkeybagel is now one month old. Ah, for the salad days of the first week; these latter days have been ponderous indeed. Okay, enough kvetching. I'm gonna spend a few hours working on this beast.
11/16/1999 v2.2 Added a bunch of stuff to the Culture pages and in response to numerous suggestions have changed the background from black to white. Thanks to Alan Jaffray for being the most recent person to complain about the backgrounds.
Yes, yes, I know you want more; I know you want a sequel to the Monkeybagel document. I know I should have the Discworld novels on my books page. But I've got a lot going on right now: I'm really enjoying my job, I'm spending time reading, and, yes, well, I've been spending a great deal of time with a certain girl who doesn't mind the odor that my pants take on after I've been sitting in a nylon chair for thirteen hours. A lovely girl, she is.
In response to overwhelming demand at this week's LISA conference here in Seattle, you can now buy T-shirts, mugs, and mousepads. I'm vaguely horrified with myself.
carpal tunnl actng up. m typing w/tongue.keys taste lik coffee. mmm. ow.
I'm today's Tech Sighting at Am I getting jaded? Sent out first round of The Rhesus Thesis. We'll see how many people unsubscribe.
11/09/1999 v2.1 Wrote Suck Factor today. Did some minor diddling. No ad banner hate mail yet.
As I mentioned below, I removed the profanity from this website. If that bothers you, you'll be happy to see this.
11/08/1999 v2.0 My hands are pulped masses of raw flesh. My eyes feel like they've been belt-sanded. And there are now ad banners twinkling atop my beloved web pages. Just think -- by tomorrow night, I will have earned over THREE CENTS! I redesigned the site in an effort (possibly futile) to minimize the suck, and I think it might not suck too much. Well, not a LOT anyway. Point is, I have a potentially self-sustaining website now, and I can go back to writing.
11/08/1999 v1.12 Graphics come to at last: A marvelous sicko named Trevor Peace took it upon himself to design a logo for me. Like it? Let me know.
11/08/1999 v1.10 The culture pages have been fanned out into separate pages for each item. Now I just need to add the 3,216 items suggested by the thronging masses. Also changed "poop" to "dung" in the Monkeybagel document per Erica Erfman.
Welp, you knew it had to happen: I'm playing around with ad banners. Please send me your feedback; I want to make this site self-sufficient, but I don't want to destroy it in the process. Can you live with the ads?
Today I got my first complaint, and naturally it's about the lack of swearing. Apparently the excision of a grand total of three words will be my downfall. Oh well.
11/05/1999 v1.02 After much consideration, I've decided to avoid using Anglo-Saxon vulgarities on this site. Two main reasons for this:
The vast majority of retail websites and advertisers will not associate themselves with sites which contain certain words, and being as massive bandwidth isn't free, I need the dough.
The second reason is a bit more noble: I want to keep this website from being tagged as unsuitable for minors. I'm not trying to shield their tender widdle eyeballs from the flaming destructive power of reproductive euphemisms -- I'm concerned that certain filtering services would block my site. A lot of the content here would have helped me immensely when I was 13, and I'd like to make sure kids get to see it. If anyone feels like the site's value has been destroyed now that I've changed three words, let me know. Personally, I like the Monkeybagel document more now. "monkeypoop" has a certain je ne sais quoi to it. Poop! Poopy poop!
11/05/1999 v1.01 Added notice about The Rhesus Thesis. We'll see how that goes. Slashdot link is gone from the main page, but hits are still doing okay.
11/04/1999 v1.0 I am Slashdotted at 5:02 PM Pacific Time. I receive three thousand hits in five hours. I add this page. I answer fan mail. I lease a storage locker in which to keep my ego.

Made "Underwear" a little funnier. Still needs more.

I have been sitting in my desk chair so long that the sweat-damp foam cushion has begun to ferment with an odor not unpleasantly like Camembert. Time to leave.

10/31/1999 v.92beta Steve Jackson Games links to monkeybagel.html from their newsletter, I begin frantically trying to make the site suck less. I add Geek Fantasia and write Origins of Sysadmins with help from Melissa Binde and Erica Erfman. Noah Horton wrote, "I was fairly popular as a kid, and the reason I really became isolated was that their stupidity drove me nuts." I write the Geek Culture page and add Illuminatus [suggested by Josh Larios]. I write "Putting Underwear on the Dog".
10/26/1999 v.001 Initial build and deployment. Design was nonexistent. All hits came from word-of-mouth.

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